Flower/Girl

Twenty things I did today, in no particular order:

  1. Fed my dogs, Oliver and Henry. This guy down the street saw me out with them the other day and offered me half a bag of dog food he said was leftover. Leftover. Yikes. This reminded me of Hemingway’s six-word story: For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.
  2. Zipped up my black boots.
  3. Sucked on a lemon drop, leftover from a Secret Santa gift bag.
  4. Took a call at work from a lady who had the wrong number. She was trying to reach her daughter, and kept asking what she should do to find her. “What number should I call?” she said. And I said, “Well, what number were you trying to call?” And she read me off a phone number, different in every way from ours. So I said, “Maybe call that number.” This confused her, and she said “Which number?” And I said, “The 2-5-3 one you just read me.” This conversation went on for some time.
  5. Pinched my thumb in an umbrella.
  6. Curled those couple strands of hair around my face which refuse to follow the curl pattern of the others.
  7. Checked on some flowers I have pressed inside a thick square book about Holga photography.
  8. Wrote an email to a friend.
  9. Wrote a bunch of emails to non-friends.
  10. Ate a salad with tofu while listening to All the President’s Men on my phone. The narrator does one hell of a Nixon voice.
  11. Found a child hiding under my desk and pretended I couldn’t see her.
  12. Unloaded the dishwasher. Nearly—nearly—dropped a glass. Slippery fucker.
  13. Watered the ferns. I’ve become a crazy plant lady during the pandemic, and have collected, at last count, a zillion houseplants. At present they’re clustered near the windows in winter survival mode.
  14. Added a quote to my commonplace book: “I think the universe is pure geometry—basically, a beautiful shape twisting around and dancing over space-time.” – Antony Garrett Lisi
  15. Drank three cups of instant coffee, with soy milk and six drops of stevia.
  16. Dropped an f-bomb. (See 5.)
  17. Sang “Rocket Man” in the car and then again in the kitchen.
  18. Tied loops in the straps of my mask to make it fit better. I can’t get into all this color-coordination with the masks, and always wear the blue paper ones to work. This new box must have been made for giants.
  19. Kissed my husband, who brought me a double bouquet of white mums.
  20. Read some pages from a book of poetry by Marie Howe. Lovely, lovely…

What did you do today?

Some roses my father brought home back in 1969.

Paper Dolls

Yesterday I received a new cover for my travelers notebooks. The cover is handmade of golden leather, and closes with a strong elastic band on which I hung a turquoise pendant. Inside is a bundle of notebooks on dot grid paper, with covers I decoupaged using the pages of a beautiful book about plants. One of the notebooks is my journal, another is for drafts, and the third is a commonplace book for when I want to make notes on something I’m reading, or record an eavesdropped conversation or joke or profundity. I also have a junk journal covered with leather I cut from my dad’s old jacket, stuffed with cleverly patterned pages I’ve stitched together and cut to size. The new cover has pockets, a pen loop, and round edges waxed smooth as glass, and it fits in my palm with a satisfying, curvy heft.

The journals are a recent obsession. I’ve never kept a diary or maintained a journaling practice. I thought I had nothing to say. After all, taken as a template, my days look mostly the same: Wake, coffee, read, coffee, write, work, lunch, work, home, bed, read, sleep, repeat. Not much to get your teeth into, beyond a PB&J at lunchtime. The action’s all in my head. But like everyone else, I’m the star of my Groundhog’s Day, so in theory I should have enough self-regard to make my life at least interesting to me.

So maybe it’s not a lack of excitement that’s kept me from journaling. Maybe it’s something more akin to shame. Not because of anything I’ve said or done—though there is that—but because it’s so hard to look back at something you set down years before when you were in a different frame of mind. When you were a different person, with embarrassing obsessions which may not have survived the gap in years. Reading about how I used to dig photography unnerves me, makes me suspect that every new interest, like a rogue lover, is bound to desert me in time. I hate the joy I expressed while in the throes of a book I was writing, which would turn out to be nothing after all. I hate the way I hoped and strove and did my best. The optimism makes me cringe.

The tenderness here probably means that I’ve located what Chelsea Handler would call a “growth point.” (I despise terms like this, by the way. Practice self-care, affirm your life, put your own needs first. There’s been too much caring for self, in my opinion. I’m in favor of chagrin. Maybe we could try to care for others first and see how that works out.) Though I’m always reluctant to engage in campaigns of self-acceptance, it could be that I’ve gone too far the other way and let the deprecation run amok. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of my writing, even some that was pretty good. Binders, index cards, blog posts, stacks of spiral notebooks without even looking inside them. Now that I’ve written this it kind of bums me out. I should have cared about my writing more. At least enough to read it, you know? I made my own slush pile and rejected me.

So now I’m on a mission to save my pages. I’m dressing my notebooks like paper dolls in bohemian frocks, festooned with stickers and washi tape, with the hope that their prettiness will impress Future Me enough to save them from the lethal blades of LeMay Recycling. I want to give myself the chance to grow up and read them someday without judgment. I want to stop trying to revise my past, which can only be done by perpetrating edits that rob it of the truth. I want to accept my fickle passions and the fact that they’ll come and go, and consider the possibility that optimism is not the character flaw I’ve imagined. Mainly, I guess, I want to stop this ruthless shredding and let my past be whole.

Tell me, do you journal? Do you keep old drafts and such—and more to the point, do you read them?

Love, love me do.

January 6

In the late afternoon,
the beginning of darkness, finally alone
after doing some outlandish thing—

fucking an old friend, for instance,
or marching on authority with ambiguous intent,
and feeling yourself

at one with the pack, howling, hurling yourself at windows,
falling through the chimney
and into the third pig's stew—

evening shuts the door and covers the debris,
and you trudge back to your pickup truck or bus,
lower to the ground than transport ought to be,

arriving home to find the armchair slumped in the corner, 
the landscape of the living room remarkably unchanged
and this morning's coffee ringed inside the cup.

Later still as the pillow flattens
under the weight of your head, the pistol,
and the polyester bedspread your ex once brought to warm you,

the only sound
is the pulse inside your muffled ear, singular, wandering 
like footsteps through the snow. 

Bareback

The day before yesterday, I got my second COVID shot. This one hit a little harder than the first, so after struggling though a few hours at work, I drove home and put on a pair of pajamas, laid a heating pad in the bed and crawled on top. Rarely have I stalled out this way. My body seemed pressed by a heavy weight, flattened to the bed, while my mind remained in a curious state during which the act of moving seemed quaint, as if walking across the room were an activity from a bygone era. At the same time I had a sense of lightness, a cleaving. My body and mind had for the moment parted ways.

I don’t remember much of what I thought about during those hours. Usually I spend my free time plotting my next move. But with movement now a mere notion, my mind drifted into nostalgic realms. I considered the color palette of my junk journal, which is filled with old William Morris wallpaper patterns in the shades of my childhood: olive, golden ochre, peacock blue, orange—all with the patina of ten thousand cigarettes. Recently I uncovered a black and white photo of me in my crib with my sister looking over the rail. On the wall is a tiny picture floating high above us. A painted bear, perhaps. No one decorates that way anymore, but I find the naivety of the room almost glamorous. We were free then, remarkably unconcerned about the luxuries or hazards of life. No seatbelts, no 9-1-1. In another meme-ready photo, my mother is bathing me in the kitchen sink, a lamp arranged on a slender hook with its cord dangling perilously close to the water. My mom, coiffed and chic in her sleeveless blouse, is clearly in a state of blissed-out motherhood, though risk is hanging literally over our heads.

What a shift to our present state of mind, motoring through each day with this low-level state of anxiety. People think there’s something wrong if you say, I just don’t care about that, I’m not going to sweat it, I reject the call to concern. Worry has become de rigueur, and it’s a rare conversation that can arrive at its end without at least one party voicing the anxiety of the moment. I’m as guilty of this as the next Concerned Citizen. I’m nervous as hell.

But yesterday, for a few disconnected hours, I lay in bed and thought about Vegas and how it felt at twelve years old to ride a few miles on my bike, then lose myself on horseback within the dunes and gullies of the desert, totally alone and unaccounted for. No cell phone in those days, and no one thought of a helmet. I rode bareback, in cowboy boots and terrycloth shorts. I remember the gritty crunch of my horse’s hooves, wind rushing across the sand, a bright blue dome overhead crossed with the vapor trails of people moving faster than me, and at a higher altitude. It was okay then to be small. It felt good to clutch this living animal between my knees, weave its mane through my fingers, and feel the sun on my back without caring whether it burned me. I didn’t mind that a horse can’t run as fast as a plane can fly, and I didn’t mind circling the desert to wind up where I’d started. I had nowhere else to be.

This blog post is likewise circling the sand, but the topic of quitting came up recently on Betsy’s site, and it made me wonder what matters to us in writing and in life. I know what I feel about publication. But does it take more courage to demand to matter or admit that you don’t? How alone do I want to be? How long can I go without water? I’m here, so there must be some part of me still wishing for that tribal connection—and finding myself, at times, with something to say. Maybe echoes are not enough. Maybe I missed you. Or maybe I’m just a thirsty bitch after all.

Where are you, really? What do you want?